SHORT STORY... AN ODE TO 30 ROCK AND ITS TALENTED LEADS

SHORT STORY: THE TINA FEY CONFEDERACY...


"God, this had better be good! It is 3am!!!" Liz Lemon screamed into the phone.

The unknown caller assured her, "Mizzz Lemon, it is most definitely worth your time! Trust us!"

"Who is this," Liz demanded, as the mystery started to get on her nerves.

"What we are about to ask you to do is patriotism of the highest order... what we are about to ask of you involves our national security...," the caller said, cleverly pacing himself for maximum dramatic effect.

If nothing else, he knew what a sucker Liz Lemon was for conspiratorial things and he was determined to milk it to the max.

"Ooo, tell me more," she demurely said, after pausing for a few seconds. "I am all ears..."

"Mizzz Lemon... we want you to step into Sarah Palin's shoes!," the caller said.

"Are you crazy?" Liz immediately shot back. "Are you insane?.... Anyway, how would you know if the shoe fits?"

"Mizzz Lemon, we cannot risk having a stupid woman like Sarah Palin possibly running this great Republican nation of ours! We will handle her capture, you don't have to worry your pretty little head about that. What you WOULD need to do is be at the place and the time that we tell you to, to make the switch!," the stranger went on.

The audacity of the suggestion silenced Liz for a few seconds. Which is an eternity, actually, if you knew Liz at all.

"And as for Sarah Palin's husband Todd..." the caller said, before he was immediately interrupted.

"DO I GET TO SCREW HIM?" Liz immediately shot back. "God, say YES! Say YES, dammit!" This single woman in New York was beginning to lose it. Her hormones were raging wilder than the Niagara Falls, worst even than the Brazilian forest ablaze from forest clearance!

"Yes, you will get to do that.... but on condition.... FOR GOD'S SAKE WOMAN -- STOP JUMPING UP AND DOWN ON YOUR BED!... thanks, that's better... as I was saying, on condition that you push through policies that we tell you to... Oh, dammit..." the caller cussed as he was distracted by some background noise.

"Oh my God -- is that Colleen's voice in the background? Jack, is that you?" Liz demanded.

"Don't be silly Mizzz Lemon! Of course it is NOT me."

"Hey, it IS you, Jack. Jack you son of a gun! I knew I recognized Elaine Stritch's voice in the background..."

"Stay in character Lemon! The name is Colleen Donaghy, not Elaine Stritch, THANK YOU! Yes, mother, I will get you your vodka lime... sheesh... that woman is like a Elvira, the walking dead and Godzilla all rolled into one!"

"Jack Donaghy! I can't believe you woke me up at this ungodly hour to play a prank on me! But I must say the voice distorter I got for you for your birthday yesterday works really well. I didn't recognize your voice at all! You almost got me! Hey, how come your mother's voice still sounds the same...?" Liz characteristically said.

"That because this woman is not of this Earth, that's why! YES MOTHER, I AM GETTING YOUR DRINK NOW! HOLD YOUR HORSES -- if you haven't devoured them yet!.... Gotta go Lemon. See you at work tomorrow!"

Photos:
1. 30 Rock cast (publicity shot)

2. Liz Lemon & Jack Donaghy photo from http://featuresblogs.chicagotribune.com/entertainment_tv/30_rock/index.html

LIZ LEMON.... IS THAT YOU? A VP??????

John McCain's choice of candidate as vice-president would make or break his presidency bid, I'd thought. And when I saw his choice -- LIZ LEMON!!!!!! -- I thought Obama was doomed. Who on Earth could counter the brilliant choice of Liz Lemon as a vice-president candidate. It was an inspired choice, I thought.

Then I realized that it was NOT ACTUALLY the lovable Liz Lemon (the brilliant alter-ego created by Tina Fey for her superb television comedy series, 30 Rock), but someone called Sarah Palin.

I don't know who Palin is, and frankly, because don't care. I don't think a country like the United States can afford to risk having a woman as President. McCain is 72, and the chance is there that if anything happens to him, the most powerful country in the world would fall onto the lap of a 44-year old woman. It is a risk no American should be willing to take, I think.

(Don't take me wrong, I think Germany's Angela Merkel is a brilliant leader. But that is because Germany is a country with a superb due-process system in place and so Merkel only had to oversee Deutschland. But running a country like the US would, to a large part, be dependent on the personality of its leader. And the emotions of its leader. And a woman at the top spells trouble.)

Pictures of:
1. Sarah Palin and John McCain
2. The incomparable Tina Fey