PARIS HILTON BITCH-SLAPS JOHN MCCAIN -- IN HER OWN GENTLE WAY, OF COURSE

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Paris Hilton is possibly the most famous person on this planet who is famous for being famous -- does that make sense at all? Anyway, in the beginning Hilton was famous for no apparent reason at all, other than having a famous surname -- but the girl has developed a delightfully dizzy sense of humour over the years and has even managed to poise herself as a valid fashionista.

Recently the smug-faced US Presidential candidate John McCain took a swipe at the trinity of Barack Obama- Britney Spears-Paris Hilton in McCain's anti-Obama ad campaign. He'd wanted to tar them with the same brush -- but he's the one who's clucking with the feathers now.

This is because, if you take a swipe at Mizz Hilton, be very prepared: IF SHE SEES AN OPPORTUNITY TO MILK WHATEVER SHE CAN FOR WHAT IT IS WORTH -- expect her to zip out her platinum credit cards and swipe the card readers like crazy till they sizzle and smoke and she is able to cash in on the occasion -- and then we all get to see Mizz Hilton run away with the publicity borne out of it, tittering all the way to the bank.

In this case, all I can say is that McCain deserves the skewering he gets (for being so condescending and pop culture averse) and the best thing is that Paris Hilton still comes across as the vacuously pretty gal that she is. Hurrah.

BRITNEY SPEARS

Music video...

I have been watching Britney Spears' "Gimme More" music video and cannot resist but say what utter rubbish it is. The video is bland and devoid of ideas and Britney looks completely useless in it.

Music videos don't always have to have a narrative (just look at Sinead O'Connor's Nothing Compares to You) -- but it must always be driven by an idea. A brilliant idea like Michel Gondry's inspired direction of Kylie Minogue's "Come Into My World" is, of course, too much to ask. But even supposedly rambly ones like the brilliant video from Bloc Part ("I Still Remember") or the magnificent "Crazy" music video by Gnarls Barkley or even the very plain video from the Plain White T's ("Hey There Delilah") are a delight. It helps, naturally, if the song is good in the first place. Britney Spears' "Gimme More" is utter rubbish in every sense of the word. Bah! Has she really gone down the drain as an artiste?

HALLOWEEN... SHORT STORY

SHORT STORY...
Britney Spears' Halloween wish...

She was sitting in front of the computer in her oversized T-shirt, checking the blogs and had the TV switched on to CNN. There was an itch in her hair at the very top of her head and she gave it a very good, satisfying scratch. She made a mental note to wash her hair later.
The reason Britney Spears was glued in front of the screens was because she wanted to know what the court outcome would be - nevermind that she had a splitting headache from partying all night the night before. Would she get the kids or K.Fed, she wondered. Sigh! How she wished she'd not met up with Kyoto Hilton the previous night.
"That dang Kyot, because of her I snorted so much drug, my head is still spinning," Britney thought to herself, forgeting that she had also downed two bottles of Hennessy that her newfound pals -- rapper Filthy Sense and some pale white guy called Erm-Mean-Man -- had bought at the new club in town called Mamba Vroom.
Dang, I wish the damn CNN would stop looping the news so much: I am fed of seeing myself so much on tv, she thought to herself. She felt she could understand now why public opinion was swaying against her! Dang bloody media!
Then, finally, the announcement came, and as the CNN newscaster started talking about her, Spears increased the volume.
"Although Spears' attorney argued strenuosly on her behalf," the reporter went on to say, just then, Spears thought to herself, "Didn't I fire that attorney? Dang, I must have forgotten!"
In her still hazy mind she remembered that she'd just about fired everyone else before that. Either that, of everyone dumped her. She could not remember which way things had unfolded.
Anyway, when she heard that K.Fed got custody of her two boys, she dramatically fell to her knees from her chair and raised her hands, with tears streaming down her cheeks and sobbingly screamed out:
"Oh, thank you God!"
Let that dang K.Fed deal with the boys, she'd decided. WIth the glare of the media light on him let the hypocrite sing and dance to public opinion glory!
Hahaha, she laughed like a diva would, and answered her ringing mobile, " Hey, hi Kyots! Yeah, thanks babes!..."

   
• Britney Spears

BRITNEY SPEARS

Hmmm. This is going to be a tricky topic. How can one talk of Britney Spears and not risk a whole lot of CROCK landing unceremoniously on one's head? But one must be brave in life and take risks - and I write this with beads of sweat trickling down my forehead, utterly fearful that Chris Crock will find this and send me a rude video or something!

(Don't believe me? Then, see this load of crock...)

   
• Chris Crocker

Anyway, I have always had a soft spot for Britney Spears ever since she came out with "Hit Me Baby One More Time" in 1999. Here was a young girl, playing at being naughty and having cheeky fun at the expense of the morally righteous. Her songs have consistently done that for a while now. And then she suddenly got married out of the blue in (appropriately!) Las Vegas and got divorced real fast and, following that married Kevin Federline and had two kids.

Federline and Spears divorced and now custody of the kids has been given to Federline as Spears has spectacularly demonstrated what kind of a mother she would make with all her drinking and drugging. When I first heard that the judge had given custody to Federline, I thought to myself that it must be because of her bad performance at the MTV VMA! Jokes aside, young loves should never have kids. The only types of people who ought to have kids are those who have reached a certain level of maturity and sophisticaton in life (ala Angelina Jolie) or dullards like Gwyneth Paltrow and the Affleck-Garner pairing. The rest should steer clear of parenthood and spare the rest of humanity unnecessary drama.